Please Leave A Message

I lifted the telephone answering machine out of the box and set it on the table. I read the operating manual and made sure I knew how it worked before I recorded my first message.

“Hello, this is Ed Wolf and you’ve reached me when . . .” I stopped and hit rewind.

Too long.

“Hello, this is Ed Wolf and I can’t come to the phone right now because. . .” I stopped and hit rewind.

I don’t need reasons why I’m not picking up.

“Hello, this is Ed Wolf . . .”

Do I really need my last name? Do I need to say my name at all? Do I need to say my phone number? Do I need to ask them to leave theirs?

I called some friends who had answering machines and listened. One talked way too fast. The other wanted me to leave my number, even if I thought they had it.

“Hello, this is Ed . . .” Not loud enough.

“Hello, this is Ed and I can’t come to . . .” Too whiney.

I stopped trying.

I didn’t even really want an answering machine, but now that I was a Shanti volunteer and had people with AIDS relying on me, I felt I had to have one.

“Hello, this is Ed and I’m sorry I can’t get to the phone right now but . . .” Ugh!

Too much!

Rob had called me from New York City to say Toby had been ill and they’d finally gotten him to St. Vincent’s. Two days later they told him he had something called GRID. Rob called me repeatedly and couldn’t reach me and when he finally did get through told me to get an answering machine, everyone in Manhattan had one.

It made staying in touch so much easier.

“Hi! This is Ed and . . .”

Too perky.

I said “Hi” out loud several times.

“Hi! Hi! Hi!”

Then “Hello.”

“Hello?” Hello?” Hello?”

I went with “Hi!” It sounded more friendly.

“Hi this is Edward.” “Hi, this is Ed.”

Maybe just Ed.

If I had an answering machine I’d not only get messages from people who called when I wasn’t home, but also listen, when I WAS home, to whoever was leaving the message, and then pick up if I wanted to talk to them.

That could be a plus.

Though I’d gone over to see Linda who already had a machine, and while I was there her phone rang. She got up and stood in the hallway, listening.

I could hear her mother saying, “Linda, this is your mother. I know you’re there. Are you really not going to pick up? That’s rude.”

“Hi! This is Ed. Sorry I missed you. Please leave a message.”

That’s what I finally came up with after 14 tries.

Later that night Rob called again and when I picked up he was crying. He said Toby was dying and if I wanted to see him one last time I better get back to New York as soon as possible. I told him I’d see what I could do.

I tossed and turned all night and in the morning decided I couldn’t go. I didn’t have the money to fly to New York and couldn’t get the time off, plus I knew Toby wouldn’t want me to see him dying in a hospital bed. He would hate that.

I knew Rob would get upset and try to change my mind, but when I called to say I wasn’t coming, I was relieved because I got his answering machine instead.